ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

BOREDOM!!!!

is that clear enough!!!

OK I'M DONE NOW....

'Til next time

Catch up & a pansy story

OMG ...the schedule I have gives me little time for the blog time I used to love so much. Hmpfh! Luckily I have a twitter account. But the emptiness is still there (lol). So the other day this homeless man gave me a pansy. "Oh how nice". I looked at his fingernails. There were fresh with dirty. He clearly had just pulled the flowers in his hand from somewhere. But with the day I had, I didn't care. I was happy to take the illegally plucked deep purple piece of kindness. So I traded him. A pansy for smile and a dollar. I don't know if it was an even exchange, but hey life kicks like that sometimes. Another girl got a flower too. She smiled like I did and kindly handed him a bill herself. I think she was having the same day I was. She sniffed her yellow and purple flower and looked out the subway car window. I wondered was she thinking the same thoughts I was. "I needed that. If only it didn't come from a stranger. I'll take it though." I stepped off the train at Metro Center with my testing suitcase and purse (fresh with a Cold/flu like symptoms) that I hadn't thought about while I was looking at my flower. I put it in my pocket. I wanted to pull it out and tell someone about it later. I guess I got snapped back into reality of my assignments, work, and all that kills a happy buzz, because a day later I went to look for my pansy....and it was gone.

'Til next time

Transition

I haven't blogged in awhile. Currently I sit in my clinical interviewing class preparing to watch as my peers do a role play. The transition to graduate school has been quite interesting. I sit in the class of my peers...(my peers of which 90% of them are older than me and have more experience than I do). I find that I do feel some stress but its different than what I'm hearing from my peers. I'm trying to find my place amongst a group of professionals and those with experience. I'm fighting to prove myself but fighting not to have to. I'm here because I was accepted into the program (just as they were). I've had fellow classmates tell me not to pay attention to the quips about my age. They tell me is jealousy or confusion because they didn't move as fast in school as they did. Transitioning into a new chapter of my life is proving to be quite the adventure.

...*Kicking up dirt*

I had a thought party. That time when you are so in tune with your thoughts they seem to be louder than anything around you. By the time I wrapped it up I realized that there is so much that needs to be done and has yet to be done in order for me to operate on cloud 9. I think I'm on cloud 7 right now. That's really effin close, but close isn't enough for me. Let's see how many hops it will take me to grab that cumulus stoop.

'Til next time

Update

All the pieces will fall into place. That's what I've been telling everyone around me including myself. When you make a transition from one life chapter to another, it takes time to adjust.

It is necessary to clean house before you make your next steps because you need to have all your affairs in order.

"You must order your steps"

So that's what I'm doing.

'Til next time

Qualifications

What qualifies you to be an "adult"? hmmmm.....I'm going to just let that one simmer. Other people should too. Hmmmmm....

Sanity

Sanity is a necessary component of life. We allow ourselves to lose it from time to time. We become so lost in our lives and the way of the world that we lose grip on what is essential to our well-being. I lost a bit of my sanity recently (others would argue I never had much to begin with). I'm on a mission to regain every drop of it.

Purpose

What is your purpose? What are you put on this earth to do? I'm asking myself this question. What is my purpose?

'Til next time

New Arrivals

I've finished reading a book, a really good book that gave me so much insight on what I've been doing wrong. I hate to be wrong, but I will admit when I am nevertheless. I gave too much of myself and got nothing in return. I was bitter because of this, but couldn't see my fault in it all. Well at first I thought it was all my fault, then I passed the buck when that got old. Now I know, I had a couple missteps and made a few mistakes. I've learned my lesson...I suppose (I won't speak too hastily).

Just as I took a breath of acknowledged defeat and kicked around doubt, a package arrived. Nothing fancy. No bells no whistles. Just plain and simple. It took me awhile to accept it because I wasn't expecting any mail. There was no sender etched on it. So I just looked at it wondering "Did I order something?" "I don't remember shopping for anything?". I didn't. I finally gave in and unwrapped it. Now this gift, it was so unexpected that I didn't know how to react. It provided me with a breath of fresh air and a nice adjustment to my mood and scenery. All that I worried with before became I blur. Nothing to fuss over. I was given something purely for being myself. I wasn't asked for more. Not criticized and forced to give less. Taken at face value for who I am. I was appreciated. No strings attached no small print.

Thanks for sending me the package.

The Field

I chased him...like in a movie through a field of wildflowers
The sun kissing my skin the blades of grass flirting with the hem of my dress
I never grew tired...I ran for miles
The sound of the of him making his way through the field was enticing
He was further and further away...but I chased him still
The promise of him in my arms at the end of the trail allured me
Every couple of turns he would peek out from the flowers
His fingertips would tickle me from beyond the grass

And the sun began to set
The crickets sang their congregation song
A puff of breeze grazed my bare arms...and I called for him
...and received no answer
So I ran hoping to find him...to see him standing waiting for me
But I was alone...and night was closing in around me

He left me in the field
To him it was all a game...a simple way to have fun
He never intended on me finding him
He had been watching me ...as I thought I had been chasing him
That's what he wanted me to believe
He was never in reach

It was dark and now the wind howled at me
scolding me for not seeing that I was foolish
The promise of love led me through a field with nothing to show
Mosquito bites..blistered feet...sunburned skin..and a broken heart
And now I was alone...chasing an illusion

I ran hard...trying so desperately to retrace my path
looking for each footstep as I sped through the foliage
Where was that drastic misstep?
Where was I when I had the chance to make it home before the moonlight revealed my naivety?
Some many changes to turn back...I realized it too late
...So I just ran...back to where I started...and left all that troubled me in the field..with his smile
...And his laugh...and his fingertips...and the sound of his breath as he moved through the field
I left it all there
....I think

Options

...Don't make someone a priority, when to them you're simply an option. I've heard that so many times on TV and in books, that I thought I would say it aloud today. I think someone needed to hear it. Didn't you?

Choices

Decisions, decisions. What is a girl to do when an alternative hits her hard. She never asked for it. When all was going back to normal and she was fine. Here is a new decision to be made. After all the forgetting I've tried to do, all the chapters I've tried to close, things are getting harder. Strings are pulling tighter. Do I snip them and release myself from this dance only to crash against the floor? Do I pack it all up and leave secretly? Do I run away from it all?

Decisions, decisions. I've never been one to toy around in emotions. I hate that song, so I skip it when I see it scroll across my screen. I play my tunes pretty clear and loud enough to be heard by who should hear it. How was I supposed to know others had their ears pressed against my wall. Scribbling down everything they heard me sigh to, cry to, laugh to, sing along with.

Decisions, decisions.

What's a girl to do?

Superhuman

I wish I was superhuman

So that when you called me
I could come running before the last syllable parted your lips
So that when you were cold
I could fly to the sun and bring you a little warmth
So that when you were upset
I could transport us somewhere to forget it all
So that when you were hungry
I could leap from country to country bringing you the finest just to soothe your palette
So that when we were far apart
I could hologram myself to you
So that when we fought
I could stop time and rearrange it all

But I'm not
So I'll just come as soon as the call comes through
I'll just hold you in my arms until you're comfortable
I'll take your mind off it all with a joke
I'll let you choose the meal we share
I'll call you just to hear your voice
I'll just pray we make it and let you know its alright

I'm not superhuman
I'm just super powered by love

Battlefields, Shields, & Shaky Hearts

There is a struggle involved when we care about someone other than ourselves. There is a need to fight a battle with our emotions and those of the other involved. Our swords clash and our shields sway back and forth. We try to protect ourselves from obvious blows, but stealth attacks always find their way through our armor. I watched an ally in battle today. It was a quick one. They came in swift, yet abrupt. Their shields in hands but it seemed they weren't holding their sword. It lie by their side as they ran into the battlefield they had grown to memorize. I saw the attack coming, but I couldn't save them. They ran right into the sword. Though it missed the vital organs, it nicked the heart and nipped at the dignity that remained. Blood, remorse, and self respect ran down their chest and covered them. I bow my head in mourning and tighten my grip on my weapon now. There is nothing I can do. We saw the same thing, but it was not my battle to fight. So I just sit silent in remembrance and a state of grief. My battle will soon arrive, and I now know how not to lose.

What Happens Now...

So I haven't posted anything in awhile...yeeaaah I've been busy shoot me.
This is the update: I'm going crazy! [well..not really crazy..I'm just a little stressed out]

But in my barrel of lemons, I've found time for some laughs.
1- Chris Brown comes to my school, gets upset with students over a basketball game
2-Chris Brown comes to my school and calls one of my associates a "bitch" because she asked him if he really hit Rihanna" [priceless]

3-The pizza guy asked me if I had a boyfriend after he refused to get out of the car and bring my pizza to the lobby(really lazy pizza guy....REALLY!)

4-School is almost over and I will soon regain sleep and the ability to drink margaritas with lunch

5- School is almost over and my gay friends are threatening me with violence if I don't come home and travel with them IMMEDIATELY

6- The campus sluts are in a frenzy

7- The campus assholes are in a frenzy

8- Reality TV is ridiculously funny {DANGER SHE SMASHED THE HOMIES!!}

....and on and on and on and on Lol!

The Rain

The rain fell hard..that night
the night when all I could do was think of you
It poured and the night sky was like velvet sprinkled with diamonds
I stared out the window and traced droplets on the cold glass
With each finger's movement I flashed to a moment
A moment with you
Where the time moved slow and the conversation was long
When I got lost in your eyes and find my way back through your smile
The wind whispered to me
it told me to find you
But you felt so far away
So I grabbed my things and headed for the door
With each step flashbacks of a touch, of a word, of a kiss
And my heart was ready to land right in your hands

It was a indescribable rain that day
Against my skin like fingertips making a trail
I stood there in the night letting it fall on me
Watching the stars peer at me like your eyes
Everything around me was mute but still at its pace

All that I wanted to say to you
That night when it rained and I thought of you
Was released into the air
Because you felt so far away
So I spoke it to the rain and let its water drip from my lips
Into the air and flow to your window pane

That night..when it rained

Moving

There are boxes involved...lots of boxes.
Pictures of trips and graduations.
Trinkets & little sentimental pieces that clutter your space but you feel serve their purpose.
You look around and your whole life is strewn about in these taped containers.

Hmm...is it wrong that I don't want to unpack yet?

'Til next time

Tonight

I'm here tonight because I have these thoughts racing through my head. After sipping a margarita and slipping into my quiet zone, thoughts emerged. I'm tired of these thoughts. I want to wake up, see the sun peer through my window, and go I'm ok..I'm fine. Everyday I ask for it but it just won't happen. And its not like I'm in a dark place. Its just that I have no idea where to go from here. No clue. The future is quite murky as I look into the crystal ball I've created. How do I pull myself from this hole? How do I arrange the pieces so that I can finally walk away from this puzzle? I think my problem is that I'm not ready to walk away. I want to painstakingly labor over every piece because that's what I feel it deserves. Time & effort. But that's the problem with puzzles, they require time and effort but can't reciprocate. And you're left feeling drained. Who's to blame? You or the damn puzzle.

I don't know...after it all...I still don't know.

'Til next time.

Those thoughts in your head

Sometimes I talk to myself. I mean frankly we all do. I have this dougie howser type of love of affair with my thoughts. I can hear them so clear during the day that sometimes I just want to scribble them down before I go to sleep. The conversations range from the most simple [those socks are not to be worn outside of this apartment] to the most complex[I honestly have no idea what to do here but I think I want to speak up however what do I say in order to avoid a nuclear explosion type meltdown?] The conversations are sometimes what gets me through the day. I don't speak out loud I just stare into [insert noun here] and start this inner convo. Yes I answer myself. If I didn't that would be quite rude. Sometimes we argue and debate, which is always interesting. You never know how you are morally until you argue with yourself. Sometimes I laugh and replay scenarios. The only problem here is that if I'm in public I start to smile or laugh suddenly and it can seem deranged[i'm guessing this].


Over course I'm writing this after an inward convo with who else..Me

Just wanted to let you know if you see me scowling or smiling, I've just reasoned with myself

'Til next time

Plans that derail that whole "Me" thing you've got going

So, here's the deal. I've been recruited as a wedding planner and a bridesmaid for not one but two weddings. Not to mention named as a Godmother & the "thrower" of a baby shower. Great! LOL. No it really is. I just didn't expect for time to be ticking away so loudly in my ear. It's going ok so far. Just a little anxiety about everything going smoothly. Not to mention I've been sick for weeks and I'm kinda trying to get back to this thing called "Me". At first the planning was getting my mind off my current state. Now that I'm returning to as close to normal as you can call me, it's like "geez, this marriage & happy family thing is for the birds"

I don't know if this is making me want to one day have a family or my own...or pushing me more towards the life of the successful woman with the cool friends and oh so cute dog she has trained to dance to random ipod songs.

I'm secretly rooting for the dog

'Til next time

Leilene...Why Leilene?

I like my weekly spew of laughable ignorance...aka reality tv shows provided by VH1 and MTV. I Love Money has got to be one of the funniest shows to date. Leilene is there!

The runner-up of VH1's Flavor of Love Girls Charm School & contestant on Flavor of Love 1 or 2 [I don't recall]. I rooted for this former stripper & mother of 3. Partially because I kind of felt bad for her. She had the lowest self-esteem of any stripper I've ever seen [LOL..I'm sorry..had to laugh].
She always felt like she wasn't as smart or as confident as everyone else, and for this used her body to get by.

I THOUGHT SHE WOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW! LMAO NOT!!

Why was she on this show trying to have sex and fall in love with people already? Are you serious Leilene? LOL why are you acting like..someone who takes their clothes off for men with no questions asked? LOL

You made Saaphyri [spell check] aka Ms Lip Chap vote you off..."because this isn't I Love Love.."stop acting like a ho" LMAO!

I rooted for you Leilene...lol

'Til next time

Ok you win...but not really moments

So the other day I got into an argument with someone...my mom
the argument was about something stupid as usual
instead of keeping the argument going
I did something that is quite effective
told her off [not your mom so don't judge]...let her hear herself talk...abruptly ended the conversation with "if you feel that way,the conversation is over, and you win'

A defeat? Far from it. A simple I'm not dealing with it-- but you will talk about it to everyone but me for the next 5 hours-- and I'm not there so I could care less -deal
So I guess it was a beige flag [shrug]

Rich People & Their Kids

This is really simple...if you are wealthy...and you have kids...DON'T GIVE THEM UNLIMITED AMOUNTS OF MONEY & EXPECT THEM TO 'BEHAVE'. You haven't taught them anything but how book hotel rooms, chill on a yacht, & oh yeah drink. LOL please stop crying about your out of control teenager that you just can't seem to understand. If you wouldn't have fired the maid/nanny that was raising them for you...maybe they wouldn't be having drunken orgies in your villa and wrecking your shiny new benz for fun. Yeah you know who I'm talking about. Socialite my ass!

'Til next time

This Month & That Guy on Youtube

So I had a Black History Month event this evening. It was ok nice little discussion came from it. We decided to show this clip of this guy who says that Black History Month is racist on Youtube. I don't know how I feel about what he had to say. I don't think its wrong for a culture to be celebrated. No matter how many days it is.

'Til next time

The Doctor & This Stripper Walk into a Bar...

So I went to the doctor today because I was in a freaking load of pain. What did I discover?...lol same as always I am not being good to myself. So i'm on meds for a few days. Uncomfortable as hell and pain surging...I'm really not feeling this. And to top it off..guess what? The queen of green tea...cranberry..& frapps from the Bucks of Star can not have anything but water for a week. If I wasn't in the pain that I'm in...I would so cheat and drink a tea. However I know the consequences. So I will be a good little chick-a-dee [shout out to grandma for calling me that always lol] and do as told. FOR ONCE!

If a doctor walks into a bar he sits down and has a beer or two
If a stripped walks into a bar...she fell off the vip stage and goes "ouch"
That amused me...I have a vivid imagination...anywho

Yada yada Yada....I hope I feel better soon

'Til next time

Childish Folk..Being Wrong..WTF?...Oh yeah I had Fries with Lunch

Sooooooooo today was like BLAH times 4 million. It seems that no matter how I go about my life people always trail me with ignorance. I shrug a few times, but then it gets to a boiling point. I lost it today. I mean I LOST IT! I really was disappointed in myself because I allowed myself to get that heated. I allowed someone to get me to a point where I lost my cool. In front of a handful of people at that! I apologized to those that were present during that lapse in judgment, but the person reeaallly pushed my buttons. I HATE HE SAY SHE SAY! It keeps following me. It keeps getting more and more vindictive. It keeps making me feel like I can trust NO ONE! The tension was building, the anger was shaking inside of me, and I just exploded. I saw it coming but I couldn't hold it back.

I can't take lies, deceit, rumors, and people just being vindictive. I'm full...so no more bullshit and drama should be added to my plate. Those who choose to be around me be advised that because of others I'm just watching everything ever so closely. Don't be offended, just no I've been hurt, annoyed, and disrespected. I hate childish fucking talk. Trust me after I wrote the eviction notice post, I thought it was over. Far from it! The thing is...people involved that I've talked to think its just them...and that I'm attacking them. No I'm not. I've gone to evvvverrryone involved...because it bothers me..point blank

So the 8 people that I've had an issue with in the last 56 hours....you're not alone. Just know I had to do what I had to do for me. And if you have a problem with all that... I really can't do anything about it. I can just be me. Pray that you have success...love...and all you deserve...and I hope no one ever hurts you like people have hurt me.

'Til next time

Eviction Notices

When people in your life do you wrong. It hurts. More so because it is someone that you think should know better. That will never do anything to upset you. They are a person who was with you through the good and the bad. Or at least you thought. You come to a point where you start to question intentions. You remember all the ill steps and the mistakes, well you begin to think they are purposeful. And you give them a chance to right their wrongs by delivering the truth, and they don't.

So it infuriates you. It MAKES YOU WANT TO BEAT THE DOG SHIT OUT OF THEM! But you don't. You tell them how you feel. You confront them. Then in your mind, this is what you do. You write them an eviction notice. They have to get out. They can no longer rent space in your life. Lounge in your heart and occupy an area in your mind. And as much as it bothers you....pulls at every string of your heart...upsets you to the core. You attach it to the proverbial door that is that person.

I wish I could overlook this neglect of payment....but I can't.

'Til next time

Breathe...

Sometimes the world just gets to be a little too much for me
I just need a time out to be called on life
I remember watching Saved By The Bell years ago and just longing for those Zack Morris moments
Ya know, the ones where he just glanced over at the camera and everything in the background stopped. Everything was still accept for him
I need that from time to time
(oh if you haven't noticed by now for no reason at all I'm writing all out of wack from my normal paragraph style. Yeah I don't feel all that normal, not that I am or anything...but blah back to the reading)

I'm deserving of a pause! I need a break!
So therefore I am putting in my application for a universal "me moment" remote
I need one right now...no I need one like quicker than right now..
I need one last week at 3:14:07
Yeah...
Just though I'd express my exhaustion really quick

'Til next time

Alone Time....Whatever that is

My mom always tells me I need "alone time". Time to chill out and reflect on life and such. This alone time makes me sad. Thanks mom! It gives me time to think about everything that is wrong and depressing in my life. At first it goes well...oh how great to be alone with nothing to do..yada yada yada...1 hour and & an episode of some show I've seen like 2895835829 times later...the mellow shit kicks the bucket and the "damn this sucks" rolls the fuck in.

I can't really blame it on her. She probably was told to do the same thing. Maybe its just the state that my life is in now that makes me so "eh" & "ugh" during "alone time".

Next time I do alone time...I'm just going to eat scooby fruit snacks, take a shot, & go to bed.

Til' next time

Boredom & The Likes of You

So right now I'm sitting in class. In a lecture room. BORED. When you're bored you tend to do things you're not supposed to (like fall asleep when the professor is so facing your direction). I also tend to daydream. I have a preference for placing myself in music videos and movies in my my mind. Daydreams rock!

You know what else you do when you're bored? You ramble. Like I'm doing right now. I figured "Hey, this blog is about my thoughts on life right? Let's allow the world to be bored with me!" Good times for all! I think college is meant to bore you more than it is to excite you. I guess once you sign your name on the dotted line to pay the bill, they can trick you over and over again.

My favorite song

you're my favorite song
I know all your lyrics
Sometimes i just want to sing you to the top of my lungs
The melody, I just can't escape
It's in my head all day long
I just love your tune
I bought your album...twice
downloaded you to my pod too
At night i love to hear the notes
like each key is whispering to me
i can point out every instrument
i tell everyone that your the greatest song I've ever heard
check my playlist, you're always on repeat
I love that you make me move as soon as I turn you on
I memorized you after my first listen
Because of the way you made me feel

I wish I could request you every minute, everyday
I swear you're like my favorite song
Can I hear it again?

Hiding

When we hide things from ourselves…we tend to hide ourselves from other people
So often do we fight with ourselves, do a dance of fear and denial
So scared to come out of sequence and embrace that is new
Looming over our heads all the words we wish we had said
And behind them negative thoughts, because we have trained ourselves to accept those as normal

Why is it so hard for us to express our feelings to another?
Is it simply because we afraid to admit that we are capable of being overcome with emotions?
Is it because rejection has scared us so much that we want to throw in the towel before we even know how it will end?
Have our past experiences scarred us so deep that we shudder at the thought at letting someone in?

I thought about this as I sat on the bus back home. Tracing my missteps and failed conversations in the rain stained window. Head against the seat I took a deep breath and realized that I was sabotaging myself. How in the world do you allow something to sit in your face and embody everything you could possibly imagine and not express your gratitude? Not step up, man up, and take that dive. The words are fighting to escape from your mouth and explode.

'Til next time

Life's worth

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve stated more than once that I am a native Washingtonian. What does that mean you ask? It means I’ve seen more scandal, heard more lies, and witnessed some of the most intriguing things you could possibly imagine. I actually grew up in the neighborhood of Capitol Hill. This tells you how close to the action I am.

This should mean I’m becoming immune to the sins of my fellow man, right? That’s what I thought until I read the newspaper during my afternoon break. The district released its homicide rates for the year. More importantly, it released its homicide rates for African American teens in the area. Nineteen children were killed this year as of December 16th. In 2006 and 2007 twenty-nine children were killed. Considering that there were about 30 shootings in the course of 2 weeks over the summer, nineteen children is a blessing inside of a curse.

Children and young teens are being targeted now on our streets. Boredom, juvenile delinquency, and ignorance are once again the blame. The “what to do now” card is being pulled out of the deck as the increase in bodies has people coming from under their “there’s nothing we can do” security blankets {cue flashback of Linus here}.

What to do now? Put stronger anti-gay task forces on the streets? Up the amount of officers in problem areas? Open more after school programs? Teach our youth not to slay each other senselessly? Start being a part of our children’s lives? WHAT DO WE DO? Screaming communities want to know!

I say all of the above and never look back. The problem is once people see the dropping homicides rates they assume their work is done. No, this means your work has just begun. You don’t teach a child to walk and then lead them to a corner of a busy intersection and go, “Ok cross when it’s your turn”. What type of person would do that? It’s a recipe for disaster. The same goes for keeping children safe, out of trouble, and supported while things are chaotic. You must keep up the support and effort. What good is a full-time job, if you’re only a part-time parent? Same goes for coaches, mentors, teachers, relatives, and friends. There is no clocking out when it comes to saving lives.

‘Til next time