Tonight

I'm here tonight because I have these thoughts racing through my head. After sipping a margarita and slipping into my quiet zone, thoughts emerged. I'm tired of these thoughts. I want to wake up, see the sun peer through my window, and go I'm ok..I'm fine. Everyday I ask for it but it just won't happen. And its not like I'm in a dark place. Its just that I have no idea where to go from here. No clue. The future is quite murky as I look into the crystal ball I've created. How do I pull myself from this hole? How do I arrange the pieces so that I can finally walk away from this puzzle? I think my problem is that I'm not ready to walk away. I want to painstakingly labor over every piece because that's what I feel it deserves. Time & effort. But that's the problem with puzzles, they require time and effort but can't reciprocate. And you're left feeling drained. Who's to blame? You or the damn puzzle.

I don't know...after it all...I still don't know.

'Til next time.

Those thoughts in your head

Sometimes I talk to myself. I mean frankly we all do. I have this dougie howser type of love of affair with my thoughts. I can hear them so clear during the day that sometimes I just want to scribble them down before I go to sleep. The conversations range from the most simple [those socks are not to be worn outside of this apartment] to the most complex[I honestly have no idea what to do here but I think I want to speak up however what do I say in order to avoid a nuclear explosion type meltdown?] The conversations are sometimes what gets me through the day. I don't speak out loud I just stare into [insert noun here] and start this inner convo. Yes I answer myself. If I didn't that would be quite rude. Sometimes we argue and debate, which is always interesting. You never know how you are morally until you argue with yourself. Sometimes I laugh and replay scenarios. The only problem here is that if I'm in public I start to smile or laugh suddenly and it can seem deranged[i'm guessing this].


Over course I'm writing this after an inward convo with who else..Me

Just wanted to let you know if you see me scowling or smiling, I've just reasoned with myself

'Til next time

Plans that derail that whole "Me" thing you've got going

So, here's the deal. I've been recruited as a wedding planner and a bridesmaid for not one but two weddings. Not to mention named as a Godmother & the "thrower" of a baby shower. Great! LOL. No it really is. I just didn't expect for time to be ticking away so loudly in my ear. It's going ok so far. Just a little anxiety about everything going smoothly. Not to mention I've been sick for weeks and I'm kinda trying to get back to this thing called "Me". At first the planning was getting my mind off my current state. Now that I'm returning to as close to normal as you can call me, it's like "geez, this marriage & happy family thing is for the birds"

I don't know if this is making me want to one day have a family or my own...or pushing me more towards the life of the successful woman with the cool friends and oh so cute dog she has trained to dance to random ipod songs.

I'm secretly rooting for the dog

'Til next time

Leilene...Why Leilene?

I like my weekly spew of laughable ignorance...aka reality tv shows provided by VH1 and MTV. I Love Money has got to be one of the funniest shows to date. Leilene is there!

The runner-up of VH1's Flavor of Love Girls Charm School & contestant on Flavor of Love 1 or 2 [I don't recall]. I rooted for this former stripper & mother of 3. Partially because I kind of felt bad for her. She had the lowest self-esteem of any stripper I've ever seen [LOL..I'm sorry..had to laugh].
She always felt like she wasn't as smart or as confident as everyone else, and for this used her body to get by.

I THOUGHT SHE WOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW! LMAO NOT!!

Why was she on this show trying to have sex and fall in love with people already? Are you serious Leilene? LOL why are you acting like..someone who takes their clothes off for men with no questions asked? LOL

You made Saaphyri [spell check] aka Ms Lip Chap vote you off..."because this isn't I Love Love.."stop acting like a ho" LMAO!

I rooted for you Leilene...lol

'Til next time

Ok you win...but not really moments

So the other day I got into an argument with someone...my mom
the argument was about something stupid as usual
instead of keeping the argument going
I did something that is quite effective
told her off [not your mom so don't judge]...let her hear herself talk...abruptly ended the conversation with "if you feel that way,the conversation is over, and you win'

A defeat? Far from it. A simple I'm not dealing with it-- but you will talk about it to everyone but me for the next 5 hours-- and I'm not there so I could care less -deal
So I guess it was a beige flag [shrug]

Rich People & Their Kids

This is really simple...if you are wealthy...and you have kids...DON'T GIVE THEM UNLIMITED AMOUNTS OF MONEY & EXPECT THEM TO 'BEHAVE'. You haven't taught them anything but how book hotel rooms, chill on a yacht, & oh yeah drink. LOL please stop crying about your out of control teenager that you just can't seem to understand. If you wouldn't have fired the maid/nanny that was raising them for you...maybe they wouldn't be having drunken orgies in your villa and wrecking your shiny new benz for fun. Yeah you know who I'm talking about. Socialite my ass!

'Til next time

This Month & That Guy on Youtube

So I had a Black History Month event this evening. It was ok nice little discussion came from it. We decided to show this clip of this guy who says that Black History Month is racist on Youtube. I don't know how I feel about what he had to say. I don't think its wrong for a culture to be celebrated. No matter how many days it is.

'Til next time

The Doctor & This Stripper Walk into a Bar...

So I went to the doctor today because I was in a freaking load of pain. What did I discover?...lol same as always I am not being good to myself. So i'm on meds for a few days. Uncomfortable as hell and pain surging...I'm really not feeling this. And to top it off..guess what? The queen of green tea...cranberry..& frapps from the Bucks of Star can not have anything but water for a week. If I wasn't in the pain that I'm in...I would so cheat and drink a tea. However I know the consequences. So I will be a good little chick-a-dee [shout out to grandma for calling me that always lol] and do as told. FOR ONCE!

If a doctor walks into a bar he sits down and has a beer or two
If a stripped walks into a bar...she fell off the vip stage and goes "ouch"
That amused me...I have a vivid imagination...anywho

Yada yada Yada....I hope I feel better soon

'Til next time

Childish Folk..Being Wrong..WTF?...Oh yeah I had Fries with Lunch

Sooooooooo today was like BLAH times 4 million. It seems that no matter how I go about my life people always trail me with ignorance. I shrug a few times, but then it gets to a boiling point. I lost it today. I mean I LOST IT! I really was disappointed in myself because I allowed myself to get that heated. I allowed someone to get me to a point where I lost my cool. In front of a handful of people at that! I apologized to those that were present during that lapse in judgment, but the person reeaallly pushed my buttons. I HATE HE SAY SHE SAY! It keeps following me. It keeps getting more and more vindictive. It keeps making me feel like I can trust NO ONE! The tension was building, the anger was shaking inside of me, and I just exploded. I saw it coming but I couldn't hold it back.

I can't take lies, deceit, rumors, and people just being vindictive. I'm full...so no more bullshit and drama should be added to my plate. Those who choose to be around me be advised that because of others I'm just watching everything ever so closely. Don't be offended, just no I've been hurt, annoyed, and disrespected. I hate childish fucking talk. Trust me after I wrote the eviction notice post, I thought it was over. Far from it! The thing is...people involved that I've talked to think its just them...and that I'm attacking them. No I'm not. I've gone to evvvverrryone involved...because it bothers me..point blank

So the 8 people that I've had an issue with in the last 56 hours....you're not alone. Just know I had to do what I had to do for me. And if you have a problem with all that... I really can't do anything about it. I can just be me. Pray that you have success...love...and all you deserve...and I hope no one ever hurts you like people have hurt me.

'Til next time

Eviction Notices

When people in your life do you wrong. It hurts. More so because it is someone that you think should know better. That will never do anything to upset you. They are a person who was with you through the good and the bad. Or at least you thought. You come to a point where you start to question intentions. You remember all the ill steps and the mistakes, well you begin to think they are purposeful. And you give them a chance to right their wrongs by delivering the truth, and they don't.

So it infuriates you. It MAKES YOU WANT TO BEAT THE DOG SHIT OUT OF THEM! But you don't. You tell them how you feel. You confront them. Then in your mind, this is what you do. You write them an eviction notice. They have to get out. They can no longer rent space in your life. Lounge in your heart and occupy an area in your mind. And as much as it bothers you....pulls at every string of your heart...upsets you to the core. You attach it to the proverbial door that is that person.

I wish I could overlook this neglect of payment....but I can't.

'Til next time