Hearts, Sleeves, & Headaches

Sometimes I get serious. When it comes to my heart, I can't fool around. So expect fewer smirks than usual with this one. [If anyone is even there] I'm a hopelessly scarred romantic. I've had my share of heartbreaks and accidents in amor. Now I scope things out a little more and try to help others see the signs that I once ignored. But now I'm in this situation and I can't talk myself through it. What do you do when you can't get the words to pour from your lips the way the leak from your heart? Is that too deep? I'm not talking about a soul mate here. I don't know what that is. I'm speaking of someone who speaks directly to the part of me that so many others have ignored. Yet I remain quiet and to myself. I have no idea what to do anymore. No one really to speak on this with. Ashamed that I can feel this way I guess. So either I'll take this leap and land on my two feet and in the presence of something new and desired or I'll fall to my demise. If only I could get my feet to move.

'Til next time

Lions, and Tigers, and Gossip Oh MY!

I stumbled upon a tasty little piece of reading the other day. No understatement. I got hit with some interesting reading late last week, and ever since I've been hooked. I see that my fellow students are quite versed in the business of their peers. Who's screwing who, who's screwed who over, who's over that person that screwed them, then screwed them over. LOL! It's all on public display.

I feel so out of the loop because I just found out about this great little site. What site might you ask? Why it's juicycampus.com of course. The name is quite fitting might I add. Juicy rumors, scandalous gossip, and the reality that we as students on this campus of 30,000+ know more about our peers' sex lives and style than we know about that exam we have in 2 weeks.


Go forth children...go sample the juice!

'til next time

Money

During a recent conversation, I was asked why didn't I explain the financial status of one friend to another. Apparently, I'm supposed to air the laundry of associates who are thought to be well off. First, I would like to say, I really could give a thousand [emf] fucks about how much money one has or their parents make. That doesn't affect me. Unless of course you're a spoiled brat with a sense of entitlement. Then I must destroy you. Sometimes these questions make me feel uncomfortable. Am I supposed to reveal the contents of my bank account? Do you have to know about the financial standing of my guardians? I hope not. This has caused me to lose many "friends" in the past. I have a past and a present I'm trying to escape so when people attempt to get the dish on others, I automatically feel ...well....defensive.


I'm not a trust fund baby. Definetely not. I wish I was...damn skippy! However I will never want for anything. I've learned to cherish this instead of flaunting it. Even in the state my life is in now, I know my life is far from over and though it gets me down, I'll be fine.

Spark notes version: Don't ask me about my SES...or that of my associates.

Being So Done With School

If I see another syllabus full of pointless assignments...I will go to the top of my building and scream. Seriously, give me something with substance...not work that makes me want to pick up an illegal substance to escape this reality. Do you just close your eyes and pick assignments at random? I swear if I worked for the IRS...your shit would be sooooooo foreclosed and seized right now....AHHHRRRGGHhhh

Senior Year

I remember my senior year of high school. It was full of adults telling me that my life was over and now the real world was approaching. I always thought, "Well what the hell have I been living in if this isn't the real world?". I never got that question answered. I just assumed that they meant the real world was the scary part of my life that began as soon as I threw up my cap and ate my last off the college cookout hotdog. College was made to be this scary place in which you write papers and have lectures. Professors dress in tweed and point you out to answer questions in a hall of 450 students. Your paper is 43 pages and a new one is due every class. You're going to fail the first semester because the stress and toga parties are going to kill your soul.

Ummm.....no. Not what happened. So here I am again. Another senior year and here's that damn "real world" shit again. Only this time, I'm actually scared of what happens when I throw up this cap and drink my last goodbye undergrad colored beverage. Am I prepared to go to grad school? Well at least I think I am, minus the fact that I have yet to schedule my GRE test date. [procrastination] Also, I haven't buffered myself with a bunch of schools to choose from. I'm a little more picky this time. That's what I tell myself to make a smile appear and feel that inner child pat me on the back.

[Cuts a glance at my professor who is lecturing] There are sppooookky things that lurk in the future. Loans to repay, apartments to rent, steady jobs to maintain...lions, and tigers, and bears..Oh SHIT!!!. [LOL] To be honest I blame all the older people of the world. I blame you for making us younger people feel as though you had it so hard and we have it so easy, then flipping it on us and when we come of age with you little smirk. That "Ha!" smirk and your little condescending, "Welcome to the real world..." or "That's life".

You made us feel safe and like things were a cake walk...then you snatched all away and threw in your real world.

But that's fine I'm no longer scared because I just realized that after grad school my salary will allow me to place all of you in a home. You'll crotchet things and make cooky crafts. The highlight of your week will be bingo night or a themed dance. When I come to visit, you'll look at me and tell me of your boring existence there. I'll smirk and reply, "Welcome to the real world."

LMAO...I'm ready to graduate

'Til next time

Heart Strings

In my sickness I've had the chance to really sit back and observe the world as it goes on without me. I've watched a lot of CNN. Listened to a lot of new music. Streamed a lot of news and pop culture current events.

So here's what I've seen:

The world is a heartbreaking place. A truly screwed up ball of beings who do things beyond my comprehension. I was watching Nancy Grace [yaaayyy to her followers, yeah yeah I know to those who loathe her] speak about the Tot Mom aka Casey Anthony. This woman has been charged with first degree murder, as the police suspect that her missing toddler is dead and more than likely mommy dearest had a hand in it. The child was missing for damn near a month before she even thought of filing a missing persons report. Mom of the year goes to.....
I only see this woman cry when they talk about her jail time...the daughter seems to be an afterthought.

Then there was flash about 6 year old boy who was kidnapped by the Mexican drug cartel, due to granddaddy's not so great interaction with them. He dropped the ball, the snagged the kid. They're asking for a ransom in the millions. The dad [who popped up out of nowhere] said that the kid is brave and strong. Therefore he'll give these guys a fight. These guys? These guys are dangerous druglords, dealers, sellers, and goons. EMF (Excuse my French), what the fuck can this kid do besides pray to see his family again and cooperate. It angered me to the core. Finally I see why people are bothered by those who are overly optimistic. There is nothing wrong with believing your child will overcome, but there is something wrong when you insert grandiose notions and bestow your child with power unknown to them. It suggests false belief and false hope. Don't hope for a fairytale ending when your reading a horror novel. A bearable and stable ending will do just fine.

Oh yeah and the cartel guys are certainly [EMF] screwed up fucks. Go after who you have the problem with. Not an innocent child.


Then I listened to a couple of floating tracks off of Kanye West's new album 808's & Heartbreak. Love Lockdown, Heartless, & The Coldest Winter are still buzzing in my ears. Every lyric pierces me, but in a different part of my heart. Knowing all he's been through in the last year or so, I expected a different sound on this album. What I didn't expect was for this album to pull me into his mindset, his depression, his hurt with such vigor. I played the songs over and over [that's how I preview new music. I listen for a new aspect each time.] and each time I was drawn into the emotion. It's a bit dark, but a very familiar darkness. A darkness, a fog we have all experienced. We just haven't done it as publicly as he is with this new project.


Misplaced children, death of loved ones, cries into the dark, bass filled with tears, the world is such a sad place. It's just tugging at my heart strings.

I promise I'll be less angry and more upbeat with the next posting.

Til next time.

First Time...How Awkward!!!

So this is my first blog entry [insert balloons and spontaneous confetti throw here]

I guess I should use this first meeting between me and the 3 people who may read this to acquaint myself....on my terms of course.

Today I woke up still sick, [damn you rain & malfunctioning A/C switch (fist shake of anger] and feeling bored. I always wake up thoughts racing and today was no different. The only change was my line of thought. How do you wake up from sleep questioning yourself...no no..nooooo interrogating yourself? This was a problem because being as though I am far from an alcoholic and a lady of the evening, [lol lady of the evening makes me chuckle], there were no wrongs committed the night before.

At least that is what I keep telling myself. See last night I fell asleep early because my thoughts were toying with me. You know that little voice in your head that won't shut up no matter how loud you turn up your i-pod or that law & order svu episode you've seen 21 times? Yeah it was going a mile a minute and it was either sleep or nyquil induced sleep. I flipped a coin and nyquil lost so I watched a Carson Daly rerun and was out in like 5 minutes.

The bottom line is...I'm procrastinating. The voice knows it...the nyquil knows it....and my AIM friend knows it as well. For the last few days I've been itching to get something off of my chest, expose myself to someone [in the most tasteful of manners..remember not a lady of the evening] and put it all on the line.

But I keep stopping short! And damn it now it's interferring with my regular thinking. I need to think about constantly overachieving, fixing what its unable to be fixed, politics, my music being transferred from one pc to the next, and how cute yorkshire terriers are!

So there you have it....
From this first impression blog you get that I am an overachieving, anxious, weirdly wordy and imaginative girl with quirks and procrastination issues. Who is not a lady of the evening.

...'Til next time